Saturday, November 22, 2008
/11:07 pmDo you know that one can get tired of university after 2 years? At least I did. By the start of the third year I started feeling demoralised and uncertain of my own capabilities. By the end of the third year I was certain that I had lost half of my intelligence. My ever-declining CAP did not help much to affirm my self worth. And for the first half of this semester, I felt that I should have just graduated and forget about doing honours, nevermind that it is not possible since I did not clear some modules.
Of course, after today's exam, I am sure that my intelligence has halved since last semester. I have been so worn out thinking about grades (and keeping them up), whether I should do a thesis or not, ism-ing and attempting to find a job.
But I think something has changed.
Somewhere during my third year I fell into a very negative state of mind. Everything was bad, nothing could go right, and to make myself feel better I would indulge in a bout of spending by shopping and buying almost everything I wanted. In this vicious cycle I alienated people, saw my grades fall, which of course made me feel worse and indulge in wanton materialism. I ended up with a pile of unworn clothes in my cupboard and the multitude of shoes stacked up by the shelf, but still a very empty heart. I was frustrated with a fair bit of things, but most of all, at myself. Why am I not clever enough? Why am I not pretty enough? Why can't I be more vocal? Why can't I be more understanding?
Then, in the middle of this semester, I went to HK. I feel that my life has been divided into pre-trip and post-trip phases. The best thing that happened there was that someone told me that what's most important is a) your life, b) your sanity, and nothing else really matters aside from that. The second best thing was that I managed to see through a fair bit of human relationships. Friendships are very transient objects. We come together in times of need and fall apart in others. I came back frustrated and angry, but eventually I came to the realisation that one should not pay heed to what others say (especially if they typically don't have anything nice to say).
So where does that leave me now? I've been taking things step by step and letting the problems resolve themselves (or trying to solve them one at a time) when they come. I try not to expect too much. I try to stay calm in the face of frustration. I'm learning to let go. And I find happiness in little things, like playing with the cat every night.