Sunday, May 22, 2005
It's a long one. /10:59 pmI accidentally clicked on drifting thoughts instead of Revival on the dashboard, and I realised just how well I documented my life in the past. From mid 2001 - end 2002, almost everything of (in)significance is in there. Quarrels that I have faint memories of, concerts, syf, competitions, exams. And in a sense, it's nice reading them again - how I was back then, what I was thinking. I read through my O level period, of how hard I studied (or did not), only to remember that I did nothing to remember my A levels by. Except for a less than satisfactory result slip.
Maybe this blog will die out when I go university. I'll publish it somewhere else, and create another new blog at this address, without the archives, just as how I abandoned drifting thoughts in jc and repicked up blogging sometime in.. April? There's really nothing much in this blog, just the occasional one liners, on the really miscellaneous things, or just a sort of shopping diary, or a place to rant. Maybe in the future, I'll make a promise to really blog.
I've been through some really turbulent times these past months. From hope to despondence, attempted suicide, crying daily, but I think I'm starting to see the end of it. Oxford on a loan really isn't worth it, not with the interest and the pressures, and a double major at NUS (though 5 years long) will be interesting and hopefully rewarding as well. I figured employment opportunities will be equally limited and I'm not sure just how much more an Oxford degree is ranked over a NUS degree in the payscale for a fresh grad. Not to mention there's so much I won't have to give up. So, in a sense, I've reconciled myself to my current situation. (Though now that I've said all these, I greatly appreciate people NOT coming up to ask me why I'm not going Oxford)
It's time to start packing up, to throw that little pile of scholarship application invitations that have stacked up since last year, to sift through and file away the correspondences from the UK universities, to go to UCAS and reject the offers (maybe I don't have to actually), to write to University College and tell them sorry, but I won't be going after all. After putting my life on hold for so long, I can take control once again, without the excuse that I'm still waiting.
I'm sorry if I've been grouchy and grumpy to you, or if I seem not to care about things as much, or if I haven't bothered to explain my situation to you, or if I'm antisocial when you tried to talk to me. I appreciate the fact that there are some who have bothered (like kor, lixin, kaisiang, weez, guan, wenyu) and there're some who've never stopped caring (like jiajing and xinyu). You might not know this, but as I toyed with the various ways to end a life, I felt that I was in some way indebted to all of you who have, in some way, tried to make me feel better, and that I could not let your effort down.
And because I'm feeling so much better right now, if you want to ask me out (I know I've pushed so many appointments away), I'll try to make some time for you, on the condition that it'll be as cheap as possible, and preferably does not involve shopping. Weekdays 8 - 6 is out cause I have to work, as is the whole of Sunday usually. Exceptions might be made if you ask.
I feel like I have a new lease of life. Don't you think so?