Tuesday, July 22, 2003
/10:34 pmAcademically, I'm still alright. Alright, not good, not outstanding, just average alright. I'm trying to be contented because I know I didn't really try much with co practices (yes, i know, people went for obs and did better than me). I have a gut feeling that when lit is returned tomorrow things will shift from alright to utterly disastrous, so I just want to capture this moment before I spiral into a depressive state because I can't do well, and I need to do well, because that's how I semi-convinced my parents to let me go arts in the first place!
I'm lagging behind 1 week of history notes. Many many econs lessons, that I hope I can catch up with once history notes are done, and missed 1 lit lesson because I took ocp.
I think these are times where I miss ny esp in my sec 4 years. Where ms lee let me off on certain days if I told her I was feeling extremely stressed and wanted to rest and extensions on work and actually what really helped me most was the relaxation of expectations on me.
SYF was... pretty good. It couldn't make it to 'great' because you weren't there. I know you don't read this, but I just want to let you know how I feel. After leaving nyco and you, it feels like something's gone - the mo4 qi4, the friendship, the whole feeling when I play. It just isn't the same without you. I'm sure fei tian that night would have been absolutely brilliant and perfect for me were you sitting beside me, like 2 years ago. I once said I was jealous of the guzheng players who could play together, because I couldn't have you there. I had to work to build up the mo qi but things just aren't the same. Do you know I miss you too? I miss the times where I was so upset I went to the staircases to cry and you came along not long after and we cried together. I miss the times where we both came so insanely early in the morning to tune and have light conversations. I miss the times where we periodically dropped by each other's classes to have recess. I miss the times where we wrote little letters to each other, expressing our worries and frustrations. That's why I want you to come next year. That night, I was having bad cramps, the qin was going out of tune, and I had no one to talk to. If only you were there with me, waiting to go in, not sitting inside watching. If only. Do take care, I wouldn't want anything to happen to you, I don't want you to have a breakdown. You are my best friend in nyco, and you still are.
Back to SYF proper. We won, it felt good, it was exhilirating, but it wore off after a while, and we're back to the mundaness of life as though those daily late night practices never happened and the achievement is now history (it is actually, but i mean.... ancient history) that no one takes note of anymore. That's why I feel so disillusioned with competitions at times.
Life is important, not only to us, but to those that love us. But beyond this small circle, our lives affect others less and less. It's like the concentric circles of the Buddhist Kingdoms. I wonder, how important am I to them? If I leave, will I be mourned for for a while, then gradually forgotten, like those graves in the cemetary that no longer have fresh flowers? I would rather be remembered in memory, without leaving any physical objects to remind them of me.
What scattered thoughts. I should be copying history notes. Good bye.